Like A Hole In The Head
by lilawonder
Summary: Tony's head hurts, Gibbs is worried. Pre-slash
1. Chapter 1

A/N: There is something terribly wrong with me. I enjoy whumping my favorite characters too much… Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own NCIS

Review if you want to.

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The day had been productive they had finally put the Sorensen case to bed after a week of hitting brick walls. It was often the stupidity of criminals that broke a case but this time it was hubris. Lt. David Sorensen's arrogance was so great that he actually thought he could get away with embezzling from PSD Norfolk and not get caught. The idiot didn't even have sense to hide his laptop thinking he was so brilliant no one would find anything he'd hidden. Tony laughed at that, Sorensen may have been above average in the computer skills department but he was no McGee and it brought them all great pleasure when McGee found Sorensen's hidden file on his laptop and cracked the encryption a few hours later. The look on the smug bastard's face when McGee put the cuffs on him was priceless. All that was left was writing the report and Tony could head home for some much needed rest and a weekend off. He was so tired his head was pounding and the words on the monitor were running together but he powered through and was finished an hour later. He emailed a copy to Gibbs and was printing out a hard copy to put on his boss' desk. As the document printed across the room Tony began straightening up around his desk, bending over at one point to pick up one of McGee's paper missiles from their skirmish in the morning.

_Big mistake DiNozzo_

Tony's head fired off explosions of pain that whited out his vision and made him dizzy.

"Oh shit." He whispered as he tried to raise his head back up to the desk.

It took several seconds for his vision to return and for him to be able to move without puking from pain.

_Damn, I need to sleep. I'll just rest here a minute and then head home._

Gibbs walked up and took in the scene of his Senior Field Agent laying his head on his desk his eyes squeezed shut in pain.

"DiNozzo, you finished with your report?"

The sound of Gibbs' unusually calm voice banged around Tony's skull like a timpani drum, sending a wave of nausea through him.

"Yeah Boss, all done." Tony squeaked.

"Well then get your ass home and get some sleep. You look like hell."

"On it Boss." He said weakly.

Gibbs grunted and walked back to his desk watching Tony stand up like a drunken octogenarian.

"You okay Tony?" Gibbs' said, concern seeping through his tone.

"Fine Boss, just tired ya know?"

"Yeah I know. You okay to drive?"

"Took a cab Boss." Tony dreaded having to pick up his backpack from the floor he wasn't sure he'd make it back up again.

Gibbs heard the odd slur in Tony's voice and chalked it up to fatigue. Gibbs shut down his computer and walked over and picked up Tony's backpack and handed it to him.

"Come on DiNozzo, I'm taking you home."

Tony sighed he didn't want to deal with Gibbs' particular brand of TLC he just wanted to go home to his bed and his apartment and spend the next two days veg'ing. But he knew Gibbs wouldn't take no for an answer. At the very least he was riding home with him at the most Gibbs would be in his mother hen mode and force Tony to stay with him.

"Thanks Boss I can't wait to crawl into my bed." He was letting Gibbs know as gently as possible that he wanted to be alone.

Gibbs figured he could do with some alone time himself so he conceded to Tony's unspoken request.

"Then I guess you better get your butt up so we can leave DiNozzo."

Tony stood up, swaying slightly. This time his vision only greyed out around the edges and he walked carefully but quickly behind Gibbs to the elevator mindful of hiding his difficulty he didn't want Gibbs to change his mind about leaving Tony to his own devices.

The elevator ride was silent and uneventful and so was the car ride. Both men were tired and ready to be alone. A week like this when you are running on adrenalin, eating crap and around people 24/7, wears you out mind, body, and soul. They needed the quiet.

Gibbs' mind meandered as he drove on autopilot to Tony's apartment. He was so exhausted he actually drove somewhere near the speed limit. His brain skipped around processing things that he had placed on the back burner trying to focus on the case. He thought about how Tony was hiding his headaches, about how Ziva was hiding her change in her relationship with Ray, how Palmer was getting married, how Ducky would probably cut down on his hours if not retire altogether when Palmer finished his residency. He ruminated on the new SecNav and his agenda, and he came full circle back to Tony. Tony was different lately, more quiet. Not brooding or anything, just different. Gibbs was relieved the whole EJ thing seemed to be over and he could bury his jealousy and desire for Tony better. He knew Tony didn't return his "feelings" but he couldn't stand to see him being used by EJ. She wasn't evil really; at least not that he could prove. But he wasn't sad to see her go that's for damn sure. They arrived at Tony's apartment what felt like ages later. The younger man had fallen asleep and Gibbs hated to wake him but it was late and he was just as exhausted as Tony.

"Tony?" He shook Tony gently.

Tony didn't even stir.

"DiNozzo?" This time he was louder and more insistent.

Tony groaned something incoherent.

Gibbs sighed and opened his door and came around to Tony's side of the car and opened it cautiously to keep Tony from falling out.

"Come on Tony." His voice suspiciously tender he pulled Tony to his feet from the car.

"Boss?"

"Yeah, come on DiNozzo let's get you into bed."

"Sounds good Boss." Tony mumbled and leaned into Gibbs. His long body pressed against Gibbs in an almost suggestive way.

Gibbs swallowed hard and pushed the younger man away gently. "DiNozzo wake up I'm not carrying your ass up these stairs."

Tony still out of it mumbled, "Sorry Boss, just so tired."

"Well yeah DiNozzo so am I, and I'm twelve years older than you, so get a move on."

Tony was a bit more awake and quipped in return. "Yeah Boss but you're like superhuman or something."

Gibbs chuckled. "Nope, just a Marine, now move it!"

They made it up to Tony's apartment with little incident though Tony leaned on Gibbs struggling as the pain in his head escalated with each step. He was finding it harder to walk and not start vomiting. By the time they reached his door Tony was so out of it he couldn't get his key in the lock.

"What the hell is wrong with you DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked with a mixture of irritation and concern.

"Not sure Boss my head is killing me and my eyes are acting weird."

"Sounds like a migraine."

"Yeah, I guess."

Tony stumbled in to the dark apartment and turned to Gibbs. "Thanks Boss. I got it."

The hall light filtered through the gloom of the living room casting Tony's face in shadow and making the pain etched there obvious. Gibbs gave him an appraising look.

"You sure you're okay Tony?"

"Yeah, Boss, just have a bitch of a headache."

"Okay. But if you get worse call me."

"Sure thing, Boss, but I'm fine I just need some sleep."

Gibbs nodded skeptically but turned to leave. "Goodnight DiNozzo. Don't come in tomorrow."

"Thanks Boss, goodnight. Have a good weekend."

Tony closed the door and all but fell against it in relief at the returning darkness. Gibbs' nearly silent footsteps sounding like stomping in his aching head. The last thing he remembered was the echoing of the stairwell door exploding in his brain.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony awoke to find his face stuck to the wooden floor of his foyer with his drool and his head still pounding. The last thing he remembered was saying goodbye to Gibbs and then—nothing.

_What the hell? _

He tried to get up and found that his legs were refusing to cooperate. His confusion soon turned to fear. Tony felt his heart rate and breathing speed up as his mind flooded with every horrible possibility.

"DiNozzo's don't panic…" His tongue was thick and the words came out slurred adding to his anxiety. He began searching around him for his phone his hands were clumsy and his vision was slightly blurry making it difficult but he soon fumbled upon it up against the base board. With a sigh of relief he started to speed dial Gibbs and stopped.

_Not sure I want to call him, can't stand for him to see me like this, it would only upset him… It's probably something to do with this headache._

As Tony debated whether to call Gibbs his legs began tingling uncomfortably. It was like his legs had just fallen asleep and now were waking up, he tried to get up again and found his legs were a bit more cooperative, and he made it to his knees, swaying until he leaned against the wall to steady himself. All this effort brought the background noise of his headache to a full cacophony, and sweat beaded upon his brow.

_Shit… I guess I better call someone… Ducky will make me go to the hospital, so will Gibbs… Palmer! Yeah, Autopsy Gremlin he's almost a doc now and he won't rat me out._

With trembling hands he raised the phone up closer so he could see. The phone was a bright fuzz of colors and shapes for a moment and then came into focus. Pushing the button he used the voice control so he wouldn't need to rely on his unsteady appendages. The phone beeped.

"Call Autopsy Gremlin mobile."

The robotic voice replied, "Calling Autopsy Gremlin, mobile."

As the phone dialed he put it on speaker and sagged back down to the floor, head pounding, and feeling exhausted he started to fade.

"Hello?"

Jimmy Palmer's voice came through and the pounding became a jackhammer. Tony grimaced.

"Not so loud, _please._"

"Tony? Is that you?" He queried softly.

"Yeah, it's me Palmer." Tony sounded…off.

"Are you okay?" The worry in the young man's voice was evident.

"About that… I'm having a little prrroblem."

Suddenly Jimmy switched gears, he was in doctor mode. All the unsure wavering in his sometimes timid voice disappeared.

"What are your symptoms?"

Hearing that tone of authority in Jimmy's voice and what seemed to be the sounds of him getting in his car, was making Tony regret his decision to call anyone, let alone a _doctor._

"Never mind, it's n-nothing really, just a little headache. Sorrry I b-bugged you."

Jimmy knew that if Tony was calling him it was a hell of a lot more than a headache, and was already on his way to Tony's nearby apartment.

_How would Dr. Mallard handle this?_

"You're not bugging me Tony, I'm your friend."

_Hang on Tony I'm almost there…_

"Yeah, you arrrrr." He sounded drunk.

Tony blinked a moment trying to think of a good excuse for his slurred words.

"Do you have a hangover Tony?" Palmer asked him, knowing full well that wasn't his friend's problem.

"Yesh, I am srrry for ddrunk dddialing yyou Gggremlinnn"

The sound of Tony's speech difficulty had Jimmy driving like Gibbs and he pulled into the parking lot of Tony's apartment just as Tony was trying to hang up.

"Hey that's what friends and exes are for." Jimmy quipped with false humor.

Tony replied with a snort. "Thaaanksss, I gggotta go...tirrred."

"Hey wait Tony! You didn't tell me who you were drinking with…" He cringed at the lame response and jogged up the stairs to his friend's apartment.

"Drinkinggg? Oh, uhhhh…"

Jimmy took out the spare key that Tony gave him years ago when Gibbs went to Margaritaville, and opened the door only to find Tony's body blocking it.

"Tony, hey can you move so I can get in the door?"

Tony gave the phone a confused look.

"Tony, I'm here at the door. I just need you to scoot over so I can get in without hurting you. Can you do that?"

Tony's eyes met his through the cracked door and fear flashed in them.

"Not surrrre."

Jimmy wasn't above using a little manipulation to help Tony.

"If you can't move, I'm going to have to call an ambulance." He cajoled.

Tony's eyes widened and his nostrils flared with indignation.

"Bbbastard…"

But the burst of anger gave him just the boost he needed to clumsily shimmy away enough that the slim Palmer could get in.

"Sorry buddy had to get in." Jimmy said his tone placating.

Tony just gave him a squinty version of a glare. Jimmy knelt down and looked at Tony sternly. "Make no mistake though, if I think you need to go to the hospital you're going."

Tony was too tired to fight anymore and his brain was now trying to force its way out of his skull, he slumped in silent acquiescence to Palmer's perfunctory exam.

What Jimmy saw did not please him. Tony's pupil reaction was sluggish and he was confused. He was having trouble making coordinated movements. In short he failed the basic neuro check. Whatever was wrong was clearly going to require a hospital.

"Just rest here Tony; I'll be right back."

The young doctor sighed and took his phone out of his pocket pressing his speed dial as he stepped away from Tony.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Mallard, it's Tony he… I… he—"

The halting words filled Ducky both with fear and irritation "He what Mr. Palmer? Spit it out man!"

" I gave him a neuro check… It's not good."

"Oh dear, has the boy hit his head?"

"No sign of an injury. I think—I was going to call an ambulance."

Ducky understood Jimmy's reluctance but he was not the friend in this situation, but the physician. The boy had to learn to separate the two. Still, Anthony was the most difficult and non-compliant patient he'd ever seen, second only to Jethro.

"Let me speak to Anthony."

Jimmy walked over, kneeled next to his friend and gently jostled Tony's shoulder.

"Tony? Tony Dr. Mallard wants to speak to you."

Tony opened his eyes and squinted. "Duuckkee? Herrre?"

"No on the phone." Jimmy switched on the speaker and set it next to Tony.

"Heyyy… Duck…"

Ducky's stomach flipped. _Oh dear Lord…_

"Anthony, dear boy how are you feeling?"

"Not s'good… head hurrrrrtss baddd."

"Anthony, did you hit your head?"

"Nooo…" the response was barely more than a whisper.

"Has his status changed since you arrived, ?"

"He seems more out of it…"

Tony turned his head toward the phone and said, "Feel weirrrd Duck …"

"Call the ambulance _now_, Mr. Palmer and then call me back."

But before Jimmy could pick up the phone to dial 911 Tony's eyes rolled up in his head, his back arched up off the floor and he began seizing.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Terribly sorry for the extremely long delay in updating. But I wasn't sure where this story was going for a while. Got it figured out now. More updates coming.

Disclaimer: I do not own.

Review if you want

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The ambulance ride was terrifying for Jimmy Palmer. Tony had decompensated rapidly; he seized two more times and then became completely unresponsive. Fortunately the hospital wasn't too far away. The ambulance pulled into the bay at George Washington just as the EMT's lost Tony's airway and began intubating him. They were good at their job and had Tony bagged in seconds.

As a shaken Jimmy exited the ambulance he was met by a rumpled and enervated Ducky.

"What is happening Mr. Palmer?" Ducky asked him tersely.

Jimmy looked at Ducky his face pale and replied. "I don't know what's causing it but my guess is something neurological."

"Well of course it's neurological! What is his _status _Mr. Palmer?" Ducky was worried and to be honest feeling a bit guilty, making him short tempered.

"Oh, yes, I'm sorry Dr. Mallard. He's been intubated after seizing a total of three times with loss of consciousness and respiratory distress."

"Oh dear."

Ducky paled and slumped down into the nearest chair the weight of all his years crashing down upon him at once.

"Dr. Mallard are you alright?"

"Yes, yes Mr. Palmer. It's just a bit of a shock."

The two men sat in a collectively stunned silence for a few moments, before Ducky stood with effort and said, "Well, I shall see what is going on with young Anthony."

Before he could approach the nurse's station a young doctor in baggy scrubs came out the ER's double doors. "Anthony DiNozzo? Family of Anthony DiNozzo?"

"That would be us." Ducky replied.

The young doctor looked at Tony's chart and said, "Are you Leroy Jethro Gibbs?"

"No, I am Dr. Mallard, Anthony's personal physician and friend. What is his status?"

The young man was slightly taken aback by the authoritative tone the older man used.

"Well Dr. Mallard things aren't looking too good right now. We've sent him down to CT, we are fairly certain he has a brain bleed somewhere. His ICP is through the roof and he's a 5 on the GCS. Do you know if he had any new head injuries? According to his chart he had a concussion not too long ago."

Ducky took the information in as professionally as possible but at the mention of Tony's GCS Jimmy's knees almost buckled. All he could think about was what Gibbs and Abby were going to do when they heard_._

_Especially Gibbs..._the young ME thought.

Jimmy may not be an extrovert and was often a bit goofy but he was observant and he knew full well the way Gibbs felt about Tony, even if Tony didn't.

"Yes, Anthony did have a concussion recently but was cleared for duty some time ago. I doubt this has anything to do with what's going on now." Ducky responded.

"I'm inclined to agree. According to the symptoms Dr. Palmer described this seems more like a vascular issue, possibly stroke, maybe caused by an aneurysm."

Ducky just nodded silently.

"In any case, I need permission to operate should it become necessary, and to be honest if his ICP keeps going up it will be."

"Yes, of course man. Do what needs doing. Let's not quibble about consent!" Ducky snapped.

"Well there's a problem Dr. Mallard. Tony has an advance directive precluding extraordinary measures. I can't override that without familial or a medical proxy's consent, hence my need to speak with Leroy Jethro Gibbs."

Ducky sighed and sat back down. "Oh dear, this is going to be difficult."

"Would you like me to call him Dr. Mallard?" Jimmy asked bravely.

"Thank you Mr. Palmer that is very kind, but I think we both know I need to do it."

Ducky turned and looked at the waiting ER doctor. "May I use a phone in a more _private _location?"

"Certainly, follow me."

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Gibbs was finding it hard to calm himself down no amount of sanding and carving was doing the trick. He couldn't get the way Tony looked when he left him, the way Tony's body felt pushed up against his.

_Dammit Gibbs get over it! The kid was in pain it didn't mean anything. He's not interested in men let alone a grumpy old fart like you!_

His self -flagellation was interrupted by the shrill ring of his phone.

"Gibbs."

"Jethro…"

"Hey Duck. What's up?"

"Jethro, have you had anything to drink?"

"Why?" Gibbs' gut clenched.

"Oh for heaven's sake Jethro just answer the question!" Ducky spat out.

Gibbs swallowed his retort knowing a pissed off Ducky was never a good thing.

"Yeah, Duck I had a beer. Now will you tell me why?"

There was a moment of silence broken by Ducky's sigh. "It's Anthony…"

Gibbs was half way up the stairs before he replied. "Where is he?"

"George Washington. Jethro you need to sign consent for surgery…quickly."

Ducky could hear the sound of Gibbs' charger roaring to life. "Be there in ten Duck."

"Jethro be—" Ducky was cut off by the unmistakable click of a Gibbs goodbye.

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The seven minutes it took Gibbs to get to the hospital felt like an eternity to Gibbs. All he could think about was the very real possibility that he might lose Tony. He realized that he couldn't imagine his life without Tony in it in some way, it didn't even bear considering.

_Okay Leroy, you got to pull yourself together. You won't do Tony any good if you go in there like a freight train…_

Gibbs parked the car haphazardly and ran in the hospital. By the time he reached Ducky he was panting and out of breath.

"What the hell happened?"

Ducky sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. "Jethro, please calm down and catch your breath."

Gibbs looked past Ducky and noticed a young man in scrubs standing anxiously with a stack of papers in his hand. Gibbs stepped around Ducky and said, "You got something for me to sign?"

"Are you Mr. Gibbs?" the young doctor's voice cracked with nervousness.

"That's Special Agent Gibbs to you. Now tell me what's going on with Tony so I can sign the damn papers." His voice was soft but menacing.

"It appears Mr.—_Agent_ DiNozzo has a brain bleed, right now we're not sure what exactly is causing it but he is in critical condition and we need to operate to relieve the pressure in his head." The young man's voice gained confidence the longer he spoke and now had an air of competence.

Gibbs silently nodded and stuck his hand out for the forms and held them against the wall and signed them.

He shoved the papers back. "Here, now go and save him." There was a thinly veiled threat in his statement backed up by the Gibbs glare.

The doctor looked Gibbs in the eye and without any trepidation said, "We'll do our best," and ran through the double doors to the operating room.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This is a strange little chapter. Hope you like it… Also I reposted the correct version of chapter 3.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own.

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Gibbs stared silently at the double doors as he leaned against the wall. Ducky watched him with concern.

"Mr. Palmer would you be so kind as to bring Agent Gibbs some strong black coffee," Ducky asked politely.

"Certainly Dr. Mallard, would you like some tea?"

"That would be lovely."

Ducky was back to his gentile self now that the urgency of the crisis had abated.

Gibbs knew Ducky was just trying to get him alone and he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear what his friend had to say.

After Palmer left, he took the bull by the horns.

"What is it Duck?"

"Nothing, really Jethro, I'm just concerned with how this is affecting you."

"Who cares how it's affecting me? It's Tony in there who's dy—fighting for his life!"

The break in Gibbs voice gave away more than any words he ever could, or would, say on the subject.

Ducky patted his friend's shoulder. "Have you considered telling him what he means to you?"

Gibbs looked at Ducky for a long time and finally answered with a soft "no".

Ducky shook his head in frustration.

"I'm not telling you to claim your undying love to the boy Jethro, God knows you couldn't handle such a declaration any more than Anthony could. All I'm saying is let the boy know he is important to you. It's something he needs to hear, if and when, you get the opportunity."

That statement of the harsh reality that he may never speak to Tony again hit Gibbs like a wrecking ball, and he felt himself fumbling for a chair to sit in before he fell.

"No, that—that's not possible."

Ducky sat down beside Gibbs and placed his hand on his friends shoulder once again and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"You mustn't do this to yourself Jethro. Anthony is very brave and strong, and if nothing else he's nearly as stubborn as you. Once they drill the burr holes and relieve the pressure in his skull, Anthony will be in a better position and we can find out what's causing this problem."

Gibbs blanched. "Drill holes in his head?"

It all became suddenly too real, and Gibbs got up and walked to the nearest exit muttering "I need some air" passing Palmer on his way down the hall.

Ducky let him go and gave a resigned sigh as he accepted the cup of tea Jimmy handed him.

"Thank you Mr. Palmer, I needed this."

Jimmy knew better than to ask what was going on with Gibbs and sat down and drank the coffee he'd brought for Gibbs.

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By the time Gibbs reached the outside he found himself very angry and all he wanted to do was beat the hell out of something. Fortunately, the metal trashcan next to the smoking area didn't complain when he began wailing on it.

"Bad news hunh?" A voice said quietly.

Gibbs stopped pummeling the innocent trashcan, "What business is it of yours?"

The kid stepped around the pillar and out of the shadows with a clove cigarette hanging insolently from his pierced lip.

"None, but you beating the shit out of the metal trashcan is harshing my buzz."

"You know… I'm a Federal Agent." Gibbs answered snidely.

"So? It's just a figure of speech dude. Let me translate for you Grandpa, I was enjoying the peace and quiet before you came down here and decided to take up playing the steel drums."

"Grandpa?" Gibbs stepped forward menacingly, his cold fury focused with laser-like precision at the boy.

The kid took a step back thinking he may have underestimated how far he could go with the older man.

"Look, _sir_ I just noticed you were upset and ruining my five minutes of peace. Sorry."

"First of all don't call me _sir _and second don't apologize."

They were at an impasse and a restive cease fire was in effect, giving them time to appraise one another more closely.

The kid was wearing one of those hipster beanies but Gibbs could see he was hairless underneath.

_Shit…_

Another glance took in the baggy hospital gown and sweat pants and finally hidden behind the pillar, an IV pole.

_Dammit…_

The teen saw Gibbs realization sweep across his features and spat out an oath.

"Aww shit man, now you're going to be all guilty and caring. I just wanted to sneak out here and enjoy my illicit smoke and maybe watch an old dude go crazy, without having someone be compassionate at me. This sucks." He threw his butt down in disgust and stamped it out with his fuzzy black slipper.

"There you go again with the old thing. You wanna see how old I am?" Gibbs threatened.

"Nah man, I'm too tired." The kid sighed.

Suddenly Gibbs could see the subtle fragility the boy was hiding underneath all that grungy bravado.

"Sit down, before you _fall _down, dummy."

The boy laughed. "Yeah alright, think I will." He sat on a nearby stone bench.

They were quiet again for a few moments. Gibbs broke the silence with an odd request.

"Hey, can I bum one of those?"

With raised eyebrows the young man shook out one of the black clove cigarettes and passed it to Gibbs along with his lighter.

"Be careful man you'll get a head rush."

"Kid I smoked cloves before you were born, and I did it where they are made."

"What like the factory?" The teen asked incredulously.

Gibbs laughed as he lit the clove. "Nah, I mean like the country."

"Dude that's like in Africa or something."

"No dude that's in Jakarta."

"What are you some old reformed hippy?"

"No, an old Marine."

"Oh." The answer gave the boy pause.

Gibbs began to relax as the nicotine and cloves had their effect. The kid lit up another and joined him, the two enjoying the silent camaraderie of smoking.

"So, why are you _so_ pissed?"

Gibbs wasn't sure how to answer that but decided to give it a shot.

"Someone I care about is having his skull opened up, and fighting for his life in some stupid OR and there's not a damn thing I can do _but_ be pissed off and abuse trashcans."

"Wow, dude that _really_ sucks."

"Why are _you_ down here hiding?" Gibbs blue eyes bore into the boy, daring him to lie.

"I had to get out of there, I hate hospitals and now I'm stuck in one... _again_."

Gibbs couldn't help but smile at how this kid reminded him of a young, and slightly surly, Tony.

"What's the problem?" Gibbs asked pointing at the IV that snaked its way under the collar of the boy's gown.

"Oh… just a little bit of cancer."

Gibbs felt sick at the nonchalance in the young man's voice.

"Oh."

"Yeah that's how most people react. I liked you better when you were all angry and bossy. I don't want or _need _anyone's pity." With that, he threw his half smoked clove to the ground and smashed it out with his fuzzy slipper yet again, and stormed off dragging his IV pole behind him.

Stunned, Gibbs just watched him go.

_That kid is so much like Tony..._

Gibbs finished his clove in restless solitude and headed back to the OR waiting area, feeling calmer,more enlightened, and a little buzzed.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This chapter was tough. It's transitional.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own.

Reviews welcome.

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By the time Gibbs returned to the waiting area Abby was standing arms crossed looking somewhere between frantic and angry. Instead of running to him she simply nodded and gave a cold "Gibbs."

_Oh hell…_

"Abs come on don't be like that. I just didn't have a chance to tell you."

"Really Gibbs? Because Jimmy said you didn't want to tell me." Abby accused.

_Way to throw me under the bus Palmer… _Gibbs shot Palmer a look that had Jimmy squirming.

"No Abs I didn't want to call you until I knew what was going on."

"What's going on is Tony is…I can't even say it! And you decide not to tell me? He's my best-friend Gibbs and I _thought _you cared about me." She turned away from him in an effort to hide her frustrated tears and took a big sniff. She turned back around quickly. "Have you been _smoking_?"

_Oh crap…_

"Yeah."

"How could you? You _promised_!"

"Abigail my dear now is not the time." Ducky admonished her.

Gibbs nearly lost it at that point but before he could, the doors at the end of the hall opened up and another doctor came out,by the look of his scrubs it was the surgeon.

Ducky stood up to greet the doctor as he walked over.

"I see Agent DiNozzo has some support." The man smiled warmly his green eyes crinkling in his deeply tanned face. He was astonishingly good looking and reminded Gibbs of Tony.

_Hell everything reminds me of Tony… _

"Yes, Anthony is very important to us all." Ducky agreed.

"Good, he's going to need a lot of help to get through this. I'm Dr. Sheridan, his neurosurgeon." The handsome doctor shook everyone's hands.

Gibbs eyed him suspiciously.

"Look could you just get on with it? What's wrong with Tony?" Gibbs patience was gone and every bit of his manners flew out the window with it.

Dr. Sheridan looked at Gibbs pointedly and began to smile again. "Why don't we come into the conference room so I can explain what we're dealing with?"

They followed him into a small conference room with a PC and a large whiteboard hanging on the wall. Once they were all seated Dr. Sheridan turned on the PC and loaded Tony's scans on it and then began drawing a picture on the whiteboard wall, it looked a lot like a road map.

"This is a drawing of the veins and arteries in the basilar portion of Tony's brain." He pointed at the image on the screen. "If you look here you can see how this part looks tangled and swollen." "This is what we call an—"

"An AVM…Tony has an AVM?" Palmer burst out.

"Yes. But that's not all, I'm afraid he also has another structural abnormality with the base of his skull. It's called a Chiar—"

"Chiari Malformation! He has an AVM_ AND_ a Chiari Malformation…What are the odds?" Jimmy said with awe.

Ducky gave an exasperated sigh. "Please forgive him Dr. Sheridan, he's in his residency."

The doctor nodded knowingly and Jimmy looked sheepish.

Ducky spoke up. "Not as rare as you might think Mr. Palmer, but then as an ME I see them after the patient has died of other causes and many people are never diagnosed with them because they are asymptomatic or misdiagnosed."

"You are absolutely correct Dr. Mallard."

Gibbs had had it. "Okay, can we get past this medical love fest and tell me what the hell is going on with my Agent?"

"Yes, of course. Well, Tony's AVM fortunately did not rupture, but he has had some seepage from the weakened vessels, that combined with the trapped CSF fluid from the Chiari Malformation caused his crisis and his ICP to skyrocket. We alleviated some of that pressure by removing a portion of his skull…"

"Oh God." Abby whispered and Gibbs paled considerably.

"Jethro and Abigail I assure you this is standard procedure and they will replace it once the swelling goes down." Ducky reassured them.

"Yeah, okay what's next?" Gibbs snipped.

"Well right now we're waiting on him to leave recovery and then you can visit him one at a time. When the swelling goes down and he's more stable we can discuss our options, but nearly all of them will include surgery of some kind."

"How long until we know he's—you know, still him?" Abby asked.

"Considering how fast you got him here I think he'll recover quickly with some good rest. He should be fine."

"That's not what she asked. Tell us whatever it is you're trying to sugarcoat." Gibbs snarled.

"As much as I would love to say there will be no personality or other cognitive or physical changes after this event, I'm afraid I can't. Tony suffered several severe seizures and loss of oxygen as well. There is little chance he will be unscathed."

The room became silent and the fury and despair that was coming off Gibbs was palpable. It was all he could do not to punch the doctor right in his pretty boy face. "You don't know Tony. He'll beat this and be back the same as he was!" Gibbs was nearly shouting. He stood up and walked out slamming the door as he left.

The stunned silence that followed was broken by Ducky's quiet "Well that went well…"

###################################################

Abby had called McGee and Ziva after Gibbs stormed out and now they all were waiting in the ICU lounge for their chance to see Tony. Gibbs was nowhere to be found. Which was just as well, as no one felt like dealing with Gibbs' mood. They sat in somber silence hoping.

###################################################

Gibbs found the empty chapel and sat in silence in the dark for what seemed like hours, his hands gripping the back of the pew in front of him, his mind numb…

After all the crap he'd been through… and put people through… He found someone he really cares for, only to learn that Tony is dying or may be irrevocably changed. It was the ultimate cosmic joke on him.

The fact Gibbs wasn't screaming at God was a testament to just how far gone he was… He was completely adrift. Not only did Jethro have to deal with his feelings for Tony, he now had to deal with the possibility of losing him altogether. The powerlessness he felt was maddening, it evoked in him a self-destructive anger; one he was having trouble reining in.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Here's another chapter.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own.

Reviews are cool.

###################################################

Gibbs' silent reverie was interrupted by someone stumbling in the darkened chapel. He noticed they made no move to turn on the lights as they came down the aisle and sought out a pew. The smell of cloves and the IV pole let him know who had joined him.

"You following me kid?"

The boy startled at the quiet question. He hadn't realized he wasn't alone.

"Damn Grandpa, why'd you have to scare me like that?"

"Look kid lay off the Grandpa thing alright? I'm not in the mood for joking around." Gibbs growled.

"Yeah, well I wasn't in the mood to run into a grumpy old bastard in one of my hangouts… _again!_"

Gibbs didn't know what to say to that. The boy had obviously been in the hospital awhile, so in a convoluted way Gibbs could be seen as intruding on his space.

They fell once again into an uneasy truce. The chapel had that smell that all churches seem to have; slightly musty and papery smelling, the scent of holiness and secrets. The thick carpet provided a deep quiet, a sense of being cocooned. It was an easy place to become lost in your thoughts.

In this utter stillness time passed slowly each minute expanding into the silence like a ripple on the surface of reality, each man forgetting the others presence for a time, until the boy spoke, breaking the supernatural calm.

"How's your friend?"

Gibbs didn't answer right away.

"Not very good, how's your cancer?"

The young man gave a derisive snort. "My cancer's doin' great, me on the other hand… not so much. Yeah, my cancer is kicking my ass."

"Sorry kid, I mean how are _you_ doing?"

"_I _am losing: losing my hair, my strength, my hope… my life. I guess you could say I am the ultimate loser… It's good to be good at _something."_

The sarcasm didn't hide the pain or the honesty of the boy's statement and Gibbs' felt a paternal pang in his preoccupied heart, but it left him with nothing to say. So Gibbs found himself at the kid's pew and his hand on the boy's shoulder giving him a reassuring squeeze.

That one act of humanity broke through the young man's anger and he fell apart right there in front of Gibbs. There was nothing to do but hug the kid and hold him through the storm of tears and rage at the unfairness of it all.

"Sorry dude." The boy finally choked out as he pulled away from Gibbs.

"Hey, kid it's alright. You deserve someone to listen to you."

The boy felt awkward and embarrassed so Gibbs backed away to give him space.

"What's your name anyway? I can't keep calling you kid."

The boy's tear filled blue eyes looked at Gibbs like he was searching his soul.

"Kyle. I guess I can't keep calling you dude either, what's your name?"

"Gibbs, you can call me Gibbs."

They were quiet again, the silence now enveloping them like a spiritual hug.

What felt like an eternity later Gibbs asked, "you gonna' be okay?"

Kyle shook his head. "Yeah, but damn do I need a smoke."

Gibbs chuckled. "You know those things are bad for you."

"Yeah, I hear they give you cancer."

The snarkiness had returned.

Gibbs stood up avoiding the IV pole and line, pulled out his wallet to retrieve one of his cards and said, "Hang in there kid, if you ever need anything give me a call. I mean it."

"Thanks…Gibbs…really." Kyle said his voice sincere.

Gibbs gave a wistful smile and patted Kyle on the shoulder and as he turned to walk away replied, "No. Thank _you._"

###################################################

The rest of the team still waited anxiously for their opportunity to see Tony and the longer Gibbs was gone the more worried they became over his state of mind.

"Where is he Timmy? I was mean to him and now he's off somewhere brooding and doing God knows what."

"Abby I'm sure Gibbs is okay he just needed some time alone. This is hard for him he really cares about Tony."

Suddenly all eyes were on Tim.

"What do you mean McGee?" Ziva asked.

"Yeah Timmy what do you mean?" Abby looked at him with intensity.

Ducky and Jimmy were conspicuously silent on the matter.

"I just mean that Tony is special to Gibbs—"

Tim felt the room go still and the hairs on his neck stand up.

"He's right behind me isn't he?"

Abby nodded. Ziva smirked.

Tim turned around to see Gibbs standing there with his arms crossed, looking slightly pissed and amused.

"Go on McGee finish." Gibbs insisted.

"I—I just mean you have, like a special connection to Tony."

Before Gibbs had the chance to torment McGee some more, a nurse came in the waiting room. Everyone turned toward the woman expectantly.

"I assume you are all here for Tony?" The pretty blonde asked.

They nodded collectively.

"Well my name is Katherine and I am his nurse today. I understand you would like to visit with him?"

"Yes, please!" Abby squealed.

"Okay, let me give you a few ground rules. One at a time, for ten minutes each. No loudness or negativity. You can touch him gently but avoid touching his bandages. Okay who's first?" They all wanted to go first but turned and looked at Gibbs.

Ducky spoke up and poured on the charm. "I wonder Katherine if you could allow Jethro to stay with Anthony as his next of kin? Then we could all have our visit now and come back later?"

Katherine smiled at Ducky and said, "I don't think that will be a problem let me see what my charge nurse says. In the meantime who would like to go first?"

Tim stepped forward and said, "I would like to go first… please."

While a bit surprised by Tim's eagerness everyone else was fine with it.

They each had their turn, and Abby was last.

As Abby approached Tony she began tearing up. She stifled it quickly remembering Katherine's instructions.

"Hey Tony-boy, how are you? I hope you are feeling better soon. I can't wait to take you to that new club we were talking about and don't forget we need you for the nun's charity bowling tournament." She held his warm hand in hers pensively for a few moments before speaking again. Katherine walked in to do vitals and to remind Abby her time was short. "I don't know if you realize it Tony, but Gibbs loves you. I don't know exactly what _kind _of love to call it… whatever it is, he needs you. So now I'm scared for both of you." She smacked her hand over her mouth when she realized that was a negative statement. "Oh no! I'm so sorry." She told the nurse.

Katherine put her hand on Abby's shoulder and whispered, "It's okay Abby."

"Don't worry about me Tony, I'm fine, you just get better… I love you." Abby kissed his hand and clomped out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Here is another chapter… more Gibbs /Tony to come hang in there.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own

Reviews fuel inspiration and improvement.

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Ducky waited until Abby left to confront Gibbs.

"Jethro, are you alright?"

Gibbs thought for a moment. He was better than he was but he wasn't alright.

"Not really Duck. This whole thing is really getting to me."

"I can see that. But now you must pull yourself together and be there for Anthony. He needs you just as much as you need him."

"I'm not so sure about that Duck."

Ducky sighed. "Can you really be that dense Jethro? Why do you think that boy has stayed as long as he has? Put up with your moodiness? And the way you treat him?... You and I both know it wasn't because he has had no other opportunities."

"I really don't know Duck, I guess it's some misplaced loyalty and I am just selfish enough to take advantage of it."

Ducky groaned in exasperation. "For God's sake Jethro he stays because he wants to…He stays because of _you_ ! Now I don't know what this thing is between you two but it goes beyond loyalty and friendship."

"For me anyway…" Gibbs whispered.

"Yes well, now really isn't the time to address this except to say… Leroy Jethro Gibbs take your head out of your ass and get in there and take care of that boy." Ducky, fuming, turned on his heel and walked quickly away. 

Ducky rarely cursed but when he did the shock of it was very effective. Gibbs was stunned into acquiescence and slunk sheepishly towards the nurse's station to be let into Tony's room.

#################################################

Katherine was there waiting, feigning doing paperwork after observing the unusual confrontation between the two older men.

"Ahhh Agent Gibbs, I spoke with my charge nurse and you are fine to stay as long as you follow the guidelines we discussed earlier and leave around five thirty am for about two hours for shift change and charting and then you can return."

"Thanks, Katherine. Is there anywhere to get a decent cup of coffee around here?"

She smiled a knowing smile that lit up her lovely features. "Yes there is, follow me."

Gibbs followed her to the kitchen he avoided looking into the glass walled rooms as he passed.

"Ta-dah! This is our very own Keurig! And I am proud to say these are my own stash of Starbuck's Sumatra K-cups."

_Sumatra…my favorite. She's beautiful, kind, curves in all the right places and knows good coffee… and she does absolutely nothing for me… Damnit, it would be so much easier if she did._

"How do you use this contraption?" Gibbs grumbled.

"It's quite easy; let me do the first cup for you."

She made him a cup in less than a minute and handed it to him.

"Cream and sugar? No, I can tell a tough Marine like you drinks it black."

_Great now she's flirting with me…_

Gibbs gave her a half-hearted smirk and asked, "How'd you know?"

She laughed, "Oh I know a Marine when I see one, been married to one for twenty-three years."

_Wow wrong call there Leroy…_

Gibbs took a sip of the coffee to hide his embarrassment, "Good stuff, thanks Katherine."

"Please it's nothing, and call me Kate."

For a moment Gibbs froze, as happy and unpleasant memories barraged him at once.

"Are you okay? You're white as a ghost." Katherine asked with concern.

_Yeah a ghost…_

"I'm fine just tired, think I'll call you Katherine it suits you better. But you can call me Jethro."

Katherine grinned and said, "Okay, whatever works for you…Jethro. Now quit stalling and go see that Tony of yours."

Gibbs was taken aback but followed after her quickly retreating form. By the time he caught up to her they were outside Tony's glass room. He could see the glow from the monitors and the shadow of Tony's bed but nothing else. He hesitated at the doorway afraid of what he would find.

"Come on Jethro." Katherine cajoled. "I have a reclining chair with some blankets for you right beside Tony."

_Suck it up Marine and move it!_

He walked in to the darkened room the sights and sounds of sickness engulfing him. And there lay Tony his head covered in bandages and a drain coming from his head. He was so pale and still. It unnerved Gibbs and he had to sit down.

Katherine checked Tony's vitals and his drain.

Gibbs world was tilting on its axis, he didn't do watching suffering well, especially the suffering of someone he held dear. The plague was terrifying enough but he hadn't allowed himself to cross the line of friendship into the land of something more during that crisis so it didn't pack the emotional punch seeing Tony this way did. He suddenly felt the urge to run away as the harsh reality of Tony's condition stared him in the face.

Katherine could see the struggle in the stoic man standing beside her patient's bed and reached out to him.

"Jethro, I know this is hard. You can't fight this or fix it somehow, and you're facing a long and difficult road ahead. But don't give up before you have even started. You care about Tony too much to let him down. So pull yourself together and sit in this chair and spend some time talking with him, keep talking until you have a handle on how you feel and can deal with this situation."

"Not much of a talker."

She chuckled, "I can see that, but you have time to practice before he wakes up."

"If he wakes up" Gibbs whispered.

"Oh he'll wake up, and not to long from now. I can already tell. But he has a tough fight ahead of him with more surgeries and rehab. He needs his friend to be a shoulder to lean on when he needs it and a boot to the butt when he requires an attitude adjustment."

"Yeah, I'm just…"

"Shocked? Adrift? And dare I say it scared?"

"I can tell you're married to a Marine, you don't pull any punches." He replied ruefully.

"Well let's just say I have a unique perspective."

"Yeah, thanks for my kick in the pants, I needed it."

"You're welcome, happy to do it. Now sit here and be with Tony, and if you're good I'll bring you more coffee."

He nodded sheepishly. And she walked out with a small smile on her face.

_Damn that's a good woman… _

"You would love her DiNozzo. She's feisty, just how you like them." He sighed involuntarily and sat down.

He stared for a long time at Tony trying to reconcile the Tony he knew who is vibrant and full of life and mischief with this one who lay so still and broken. Suddenly, unbidden tears welled in his eyes.

_God damn Leroy pull yourself together. Just talk to him like everyone's been telling you._

"Hey DiNozzo, there are less dramatic ways to get vacation." His voice sounded abnormally loud in the oppressive quiet of the room.

"God, why'd this have to happen to you? Haven't we—you been through enough? I can't handle the thought that you might not ever have my six again. But you don't need to worry Tony; I'll always have your six. We'll get through this." That was the best he could do at the moment he couldn't bring himself to say anything more personal in this place.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Another chapter.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own.

Reviews are needed. I am needy.

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Tony was in a grey and nebulous place. All he was certain of was that he was avoiding pain. This nothing place was safe from the pain waiting for him in the land of consciousness. And he didn't feel the need to head toward the warm and welcoming light he could feel beyond the borderland of the nothingness. This blankness made for a collage of thoughts, dreams and memories. There was no knowing what was real except by intuition. One face, one presence felt right, felt like belonging, felt like home. Blue eyes pierced his dreamlike state with a searing clarity. These eyes anchored him, kept him from drifting back into the shrouded mists, from crossing the horizon into the lighted place. But fear of pain kept him from swimming to the surface of consciousness. He would remain in the nothingness buoyed by the knowledge that the blue eyes waited for him.

##################################################

Gibbs finally fell asleep for a while but it wasn't long before it was time for shift change and Katherine woke him gently and handed him a cup of coffee.

"Come on Jethro, why don't you get something to eat maybe a shower and come back in an hour and a half."

"Not hungry. Besides, I wanna be here when the doctors come."

"Listen to me Jethro; you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of him." She pointed to Tony. "If you would like I will make sure we call you if the docs show up before you get back. And anyway, I will be off shift and I'll need to introduce you to Meredith who'll be Tony's nurse today. Now get, and don't come back until you've eaten!"

"Yes, Drill Sargent!" He teased giving her a weak smile as he tiredly rose to his feet.

She didn't flinch at the honorific. "You're damn right, Marine!" She shooed him out into the hall. "I'll see you in about an hour or so."

He sighed in defeat. "Okay, see you then."

She watched him walk away his shoulders slumped with fatigue and worry.

_Oh Jethro, I know what this is like. Hang in there._

###################################################

Tim McGee sat staring at his computer monitor reading the words over and over. The statistics for Tony's total recovery were beyond bad. He swallowed down the lump that had taken up residence in his throat. How could this have happened to Tony? How did he live this long without anyone catching it, without symptoms? Tim knew Tony had had migraines but that was the only indicator. All those concussions and being blown up? It just didn't make sense.

_Because Tony would never let anyone know if he was having a real problem… Why? Why does he hide so much?_

Tim felt a pang of guilt as his conscience reminded him of the way he had treated Tony as inferior and a silly annoyance. His inner voice couldn't let him forget the way he had behaved when Gibbs left.

_No wonder he hides… _

McGee determined he was going to be there for Tony, help him in any way he could. But mostly he wouldn't let Tony bullshit him anymore. Tim would be the friend Tony had always been to him.

_It's a bit late in coming but I get it now Tony… _

###################################################

Ziva felt the sweat trickle down her neck as she kicked and punched the heavy bag. Sometimes the physicality of this was what she needed to process things she didn't quite understand or know how to deal with. It seemed like it happened a lot these days. Tony's illness made everything clearer. He was in her heart, and she loved him, but knew they weren't meant to be a couple. They were family. Now she was so angry about her friend being so ill and on the edge of death or permanent disability, that she beat the bag until her arms ached and her knuckles bled. She punched and kicked relentlessly until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Ziver, enough." Gibbs commanded.

"No, I must Gibbs, you do not understand. I can do nothing, but this."

"Yes, I do Ziva. But you're wrong you can do something besides this."

"What is that Gibbs?"

"You can pull yourself together and go with Abby to get some stuff for Tony."

"He is awake?" she asked excitedly.

"No, but he will be." He said it through a tightly clenched jaw.

Ziva nodded and began to unwrap her hands, not making eye contact with Gibbs. "Are you alright Gibbs?"

He sighed. "Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm not the one lying in a coma with part of his skull missing." His words were angry but his tone defeated.

Ziva looked up then and held his blue eyes with her intense dark ones and said, "Oh Gibbs, we all know what Tony means to you. That is _why_ we keep asking."

Gibbs felt a thrill of panic. "What do you mean Ziva? He's on my team and my friend but—"

A flash of anger and disappointment flew across her face.

"You are so stubborn! Both of you! You deserve each other!" With that she stormed off to get cleaned up and find Abby."

_What the hell? Does everyone know? Am I that transparent?_

"No Jethro you are as transparent as granite. But the connection between you and Anthony is so strong, we, who love you both, can see it clearly."

_Damn must have said it out loud._

"Yeah Duck we have a connection but we've been through a lot. Like partners… who do what we do, have to."

Ducky just smiled a patronizing smirk. "Do you believe your own BS Jethro?"

_No._

"The hell Duck?"

"I just mean do you believe that dreck about you and Anthony being brothers in arms explains away your feelings for him?"

"Look, I can't deal with this right now. I only came here to get a shower and to ask you if you could come with me to talk with the doctors."

"Of course Jethro. You go get your shower and I'll meet you in the bullpen. But make no mistake, we _will_ finish this conversation. There is too much riding on this for you both."

"Yeah, okay."

Ducky watched as Gibbs headed for the locker room and then exited the gym. Abby was waiting in the hall outside.

"Well?"

"I'm working on him Abigail. Do try and be patient. The most important thing is that he doesn't run from this."

"Gibbs? He never runs from a fight!" Abby exclaimed.

"No, certainly not, but he has no problem running from his feelings and neither does Anthony."

"What a pair they are." Abby said with an exasperated sigh.

"Indeed, Abigail, indeed." 


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Here's a chapter.

Don't own

Reviews are nice

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The ride back to the hospital was slow and quiet as Ducky insisted upon driving. At least it was his car and not Ducky's they were riding in. Gibbs couldn't stand the thought of having to be scrunched down in that Morgan.

"Do you have any questions Jethro?"

"Yeah, I get the gist of the AVM thing, but the other thing…"

"The Chiari malformation?"

"Yeah, what the hell is it exactly?"

"It is also a defect in the skull that causes the cerebellum to be displaced creating many but not all the symptoms Anthony is experiencing. It's the combination of the two that seem to be making things so critical."

"So they do surgery? What does that mean?"

"It means they will go in to the base of the skull and fix the defect and possibly place a dura patch to give more room. But the difficulty here is that Anthony's AVM is in close proximity and is I believe the more urgent issue."

"Because it could rupture, like an aneurysm. What would that do to Tony if that happened?"

Ducky grew silent for a moment. "If that happens Anthony may die or be permanently disabled."

Gibbs felt the bile rising in his throat.

_I can't deal with this_

Ducky sensing Gibbs distress said, "Jethro, this situation is terrible but you must hang on to the belief that Anthony will prevail against the odds as he has so often before."

"Yeah, well not finding it easy to do that Ducky."

Gibbs crossed his arms and stared out the window; the rage and hurt emanating from him like heat from a forest fire.

"Jethro, if you can't have faith in something larger than yourself, at least have faith in Anthony."

Gibbs stared out the window at nothing. It was a while before he replied.

"I have faith in Tony. I just finally realized that I will never get the happy ending. I am tired Ducky, tired of always losing. I love my job and I love my team but sometimes it just isn't enough."

_Oh Jethro my friend I am so sorry…_

"Jethro I am no stranger to what you are feeling, and I can only speak of my experience… But giving up has never gotten me what I wanted."

That was as tough as Ducky was willing to be given Gibbs current mood.

Gibbs gave a dark, mirthless, laugh. "Yeah, I guess you're right Duck."

_Then why do I feel as if you don't agree Jethro?_

Ducky simply nodded and focused on driving leaving Gibbs to continue brooding.

They pulled into the hospital parking lot a few minutes later, and Gibbs was out of the car before Ducky had even finished parking.

Ducky wasn't sure if it was eagerness to return to Tony or a desire to get away from him and his questions.

_A little of both I imagine…_

"Jethro will you _please _slow down!" Ducky hollered after Gibbs.

Gibbs reluctantly slowed his pace and stopped to wait for the older gentleman. When Ducky caught up he gave Gibbs an irritated look.

"Sorry Duck, just don't want to miss the docs."

"That's fine, come along then."

###################################################

Gibbs and Ducky weren't the only ones there when they arrived in the ICU waiting room. Jimmy Palmer was pacing back and forth in front of the sitting area.

Ducky was a bit miffed by Palmer's presence.

"Good morning Mr. Palmer. May I ask why it is you are here instead of in autopsy?"

Jimmy became defensive and he answered with a hint of anger as well.

"Dr. Mallard, Tony is my friend and I wanted to check on him. As for being in autopsy I do not have to report to work until 9:00 am on Wednesday and correct me if I'm wrong here, today is Wednesday."

Gibbs and Ducky raised their eyebrows in surprise at Jimmy's snippy reply.

_Good for you Palmer…'bout time you got a backbone. _

"I see. Well, do forgive my impertinence Mr. Palmer." The hint of sarcasm in Ducky's tone did not bode well for anyone.

"Y-yes well anyway, good morning." Jimmy was obviously regretting his display of anger.

"Palmer." Gibbs just nodded.

"Since you arrived before us Mr. Palmer would you be so kind to tell us Anthony's status."

Jimmy took a swallow; Ducky was going to make his day very difficult.

"Well, actually the neurologist and neurosurgeon are with him right now. They said they would come and speak with me—us when they were finished."

Gibbs felt the panic return; the urge to flee was strong.

"Thank you Mr. Palmer. Jethro let's take a seat and wait."

Ducky could see the anxiety rising in Gibbs body language and led him to the chairs.

"Mr. Palmer, perhaps you wouldn't mind getting us some coffee and tea?"

It was phrased as a question but Jimmy knew it was a command. He didn't want to leave but knew he had already pushed things with Ducky too far this morning.

"S-sure Dr. Mallard I'd be happy to." The young man turned on his heel and walked quickly to the elevators.

Gibbs couldn't help but be slightly amused by the whole scene. It was a welcome distraction from his fears. Unfortunately they returned as quickly as they abated because the two doctors came out of the ICU and out into the waiting room with grim looks on their faces. Gibbs shot up from his chair and met them beside the nurses' station.

"What's wrong?"

Dr. Sheridan replied. "Agent Gibbs this is Dr. Hayden Tony's neurologist he was assessing Tony while I checked his surgical site."

"Good to meet you Agent Gibbs."

The young doctor held his hand out but Gibbs just stood with his arms crossed and ignored it.

"I want to know what is going on _now_."

The two medics looked at one another neither wanting to answer. Finally Dr. Sheridan spoke up in the face of his colleagues cowardice.

"Agent Gibbs—"

"Just call me Gibbs."

"Okay, Gibbs, Tony seems to have had a minor stroke during the night."

"Oh dear." Ducky whispered.

Gibbs stood stock still frozen by the doctor's words. Sure he hadn't heard him right. His query came out quiet and small.

"Stroke?"


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: More

Don't own

Read and please Review

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"The good news is that Tony's regained consciousness. The bad news is the AVM's weakened blood vessel leaked enough blood to cause a clot which led to him seizing and now he is presenting with some right side paralysis. The issue now is which surgery to do first." The young doctor said.

All Gibbs heard was regained consciousness, blood clot, seizure, and right side paralysis. He got up and headed for the door of the small room. HE had to see Tony now.

"Jethro, wait." Ducky called after him.

But he couldn't wait, his heart was pounding and all he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears. He made his way back to Tony's room. He could see through the door the lights were dimmed but on. Instead of being scared of what he would see, all he could think about was how Tony was alone with no one there to help him through this. He slowed his pace and took a deep breath. When he stepped in the small glass cube he noticed immediately Tony was awake. His left side looked fine but his right was all wrong. His right eye and the corner of his mouth drooped conspicuously. His right hand was slack while the left was wiping a tear away from his one good eye.

_Oh God Tony…I'm so sorry._

"Hey DiNozzo." Gibbs studiously ignored any difference to Tony's appearance.

"Hey Bosh." Tony said quietly, refusing to look away from Gibbs piercing gaze.

"You alright?" Gibbs cringed at his own question.

_Of all the stupid fucking questions Leroy…_

Tony gave a bitter laugh. "Peatshy, Bosh."

Gibbs crossed over to the recliner and sat down. "I'm sorry Tony, so sorry."

Gibbs was fighting the urge to run and the simultaneous need to wrap his arms around Tony and tell him everything would be all right.

Tony squinted at him with confusion and maybe a little anger.

"Don' 'pologish Bosh, shine of weaknesh."

At that Gibbs nearly lost it. "No dammit it's not. That has got to be the stupidest rule I ever came up with."

Tony's one working eyebrow raised in surprise.

"K Bosh."

"Tony, we'll get through this. I'll be with you the whole way."

Tony looked at him curiously for a moment. "N-no."

"What do you mean no?" Gibbs' voice went up in anger.

"I meeen nno."

Just as Gibbs was about to blow his top, Ducky arrived and placed a hand on Gibbs shoulder.

"Ahhh Anthony my boy it's good to see you awake."

"Hey D-duckee."

Ducky could feel the tension between the two men.

"Jethro, why don't you go and see if Mr. Palmer has returned with your coffee?"

Gibbs faltered a moment not wanting to leave but knowing that Ducky could probably handle Tony better right now.

"Alright, but I'll be back."

Tony didn't even respond to the accidental movie reference and Gibbs all but stomped out of the room and into the corridor. He leaned against the nearest wall not made of glass and tried to stop himself from losing it.

###################################################

"Jethro, are you okay hon?" It was Katherine and she had with her a beautiful redhead.

Gibbs shook his head and croaked out, "Yeah."

"You sure?"

He nodded again and looked at her intensely.

"Okay, well I'm finished with my shift and all my charting and reporting is done, but I wanted to wait until you got back so I could introduce you to Tony's nurse for the day."

Gibbs looked at the buxom redhead and stood up off of the wall.

"Meredith, I'd like you to meet Jethro Gibbs. He's a good friend of Tony's and will be here a lot."

"Nice to meet you Jethro." She held out her tiny beautiful hand.

Gibbs took it politely his hand swallowing hers.

"You too Meredith."

A pink blush rose on her porcelain cheeks that would be enough to melt any man's resolve.

_Nothing… not a damn thing… Shit…_

"It's nice to meet you Meredith. Thanks Katherine. Will you ladies excuse me?"

He walked away leaving two very puzzled ladies in his wake.

There was no more denying it he was in love with Tony. And the son of a bitch didn't feel the same; in fact he didn't want Gibbs there at all.

_Maybe he's just embarrassed… I sure as hell would be._

Even if that were true Gibbs didn't think he could break through all that pig headedness. Tony wanted him gone, so he would go.

_For now…_

###################################################

"D-duckee."

Ducky took that as an invitation to sit down. "Anthony, it seems you are having some trouble my boy. But not to worry, I have spoken with your medical team and they are quite impressive. You are in a bit of a spot but they are confident they can help you."

"N-norrrmmal?" Tony pleaded.

"I don't know how much function you may lose but there is consensus there will be some impairment."

Tears began welling in Tony's eyes. "I c-cannt D-duckee. Ic-cannnt."

"My dear boy… You can and you will. Whatever issue you have we will face them and help you to either overcome them or learn to live a happy productive life with them."

Tony just looked at Ducky, stunned by the steely conviction in the older man's voice.

"Now do we understand one another?"

Tony nodded.

"Good, I am going to find your doctors and then we can discuss the treatment plan. In the meantime should Jethro return please be kind. The poor man is beside himself with concern for you."

Tony couldn't process what ducky was saying. "M-me?"

"Of course you, you daft boy, Jethro cares deeply for you. Now really I must catch your surgeon before he leaves. I shall return." Ducky swiftly walked out leaving Tony to think about what he had been told.

Tony was fast becoming tired and started to drift as he thought over the last hours events.

_Gibbs cares 'deeply' for me? What does that mean... I know we're friends and we have each other sixes… I know how I feel but…Gibbs?_ _ There's no way Gibbs feels anything but friendship and obligation for me…Is there?_


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Here's an update. Hope it works.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own.

Reviews are fans to my flame.

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Gibbs drove home in a daze. He needed some time to make sense of everything, a few shots of bourbon and a few hours of sleep to help him get his bearings. Days like this made him miss his boats; carving was great but it was intricate and delicate work. What he needed was something large and rough that he could spend hours sanding into something smooth and perfect. The sanding always put him in a meditative state, helped him process difficult things or helped him gain necessary distance at times. Though there was nothing that would give him distance now.

_Dammit why does it have to be DiNozzo?_

Gibbs wasn't sure if he was asking why Tony was going through this or whether he was asking why it was Gibbs had to go and develop feelings for Tony. Either way there was no answer.

Gibbs had been attracted to men before, engaged in a few " help a fellow Marine out" sessions, but never had he felt this level of pull, of out and out _need _for a man. It was damn disconcerting. So he asked himself the question again as he pulled into his driveway and headed up the walk.

_Why DiNozzo?_

As he opened the door he let all the bullshit and façade fade away and was able to be honest. His home was a safe place, his basement his sanctuary.

_Because Tony is everything I am not…He makes me a real person whether he realizes it or not. He is damn good looking man…_

He stopped there because that train of thought was starting to make him uncomfortable in a very tangible way.

_What makes you think you have any chance with him Leroy? The man's nickname in college was "sex machine" and I'm pretty sure they weren't talking about his prowess with guys. God knows Tony has been with plenty of women and all of them young and beautiful. There's just no way he would ever look at you that way. And hell even if he were bi or gay or whatever they call it these days, he sure wouldn't want a broken down grouchy bastard like me._

By the time this internal tirade was over he was seated on his couch; beer in hand, mind numb, tired blue eyes staring into space. It was blissful to have a chance to shut things off even for a moment. But it didn't last. He heard the door open and a familiar profile entered in through the shadows.

"Hey Duck. Was wondering when you'd show up. Not really in the mood to be yelled at."

"Jethro, since when have I _yelled _at you? I may scold you strongly but I have _never _ yelled at you, though I may make an exception in this case."

"Wanna beer?"

"Actually that sounds rather refreshing." Ducky had walked over during their brief exchange and sat wearily down onto the couch.

Gibbs hauled himself up and got another beer for himself and one for Ducky. He sat down with a sigh and the two men nursed their beers in silence. After what seemed like a long time Ducky finally spoke.

"Jethro, I know you don't want to hear this but you must tell the bot how you feel."

Gibbs began peeling the label off his long neck studiously ignoring the statement.

"You may ignore me Jethro but I will say my peace." Ducky averred.

"Fine." Gibbs exhaled and went back to the kitchen for another beer. "You want another one?"

Ducky shook his head. "Really Jethro, will getting drunk help the situation?"

"Maybe not for you, but I already feel a little better." He replied smugly.

Ducky just sighed and waited for Gibbs to sit back down.

Gibbs chugged half the beer and set it on the coffee table, turned his head to look Ducky in the eye. "Go ahead and shoot Ducky."

Ducky, un-amused, gave Gibbs a cold look before he began.

"Fine, I shall be as direct and blunt as possible. Especially considering what your state of mind may be a few hours from now." He pointed to the beer. Gibbs defiantly picked it up and took a swig in reply.

"If you do not tell Anthony how you feel tonight you may never have the opportunity. They are taking him in the morning to have the AVM repaired. The cerebrovascular surgeon is not optimistic."

Gibbs gulped the rest of the beer and slammed the empty bottle on the table as he got up and began to pace.

"Then what the hell's the point Ducky if he's going to die or be a vegetable anyway?"

"The point my dear friend is that you will know you told him and he will go to surgery knowing that you care."

"Yeah, I care. I care too damn much. It's not right."

"What do you mean it's not right? You never struck me as a bigot before Jethro." Ducky's tone was incredulous and angry.

"No God dammit, it's not right to stir all this up before he goes to surgery. Tony doesn't feel the way I do, he won't understand. Hell, I don't even understand. Jesus…" He increased the pace of his stride and pulled his hand through his short cropped silver hair leaving him looking a little crazed.

Ducky seeing his friend's distress stood in his path to stop his momentum.

"Jethro, I know this is hard for you. It must be very difficult for you to give your heart to anyone, let alone a man. But that is the truth of it; your heart belongs to Anthony DiNozzo. Don't you think he deserves to know about the tremendous the gift he's been given? Don't you think it unfair to hide this from him, to doubt him so much that you fear his reaction?"

Gibbs raised his head and looked into Ducky's eyes conveying with that glance what he could not bring himself to say.

"Ahhh that's it, you are afraid either that you may lose his friendship or that you will have your feelings reciprocated."

Gibbs nodded and slumped back down into the couch, while Ducky remained standing.

"Yes, love of any sort can be frightening but to find yourself at this age and in love with a man for what I assume is the first time, must be sheer terror."

"Yeah, it's pretty screwed up."

"I still think you have no choice but to tell him. He will either die tomorrow, or he will survive forever altered, either way he will never be the same again. So tell the boy now while he's still the Anthony we know."

Gibbs refused to look up from his hands. His eyes would betray too much if he looked at Ducky right now.

"Okay." Gibbs said softly.

Ducky placed his hand reassuringly on Gibbs shoulder. "Come along, I will drive you back to the hospital."

"Okay, but we're taking my car."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Hardest chapter so far. Hope I got it all right.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own.

Read and Review pleeeeeeeeeeeze

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The drive back to the hospital was even more quiet than usual. Gibbs withdrew into his silent stoicism as a refuge. Ducky gave him the room he needed. When they arrived Gibbs finally spoke.

"Ducky, I need to do this alone."

"Of course Jethro."

"If—if things go bad though…"

"I will be there… For you _both_."

Gibbs nodded, got out of the car and walked quickly into the hospital. He didn't hesitate; once his mind was made up Leroy Jethro Gibbs didn't mess around. He took the stairs to the ICU floor in favor of expediency, ignoring the protest in his knees.

When he stepped out of the stairwell door he was unhappy to see Abby pacing in the waiting room.

"Gibbs! You're here! I knew you'd come."

Suddenly wary Gibbs asked, "What's going on Abs?"

"Tony keeps asking for you, he's really agitated they made me wait out here because they're going to sedate him."

His gut flipped. "The hell they are." He said coldly as he strode toward the double doors to the ICU. He nearly ran into Meredith as he bulldozed through them, to get to Tony's room.

"Jethro!" Meredith exclaimed with a mixture of relief and surprise.

"What's going on?" He pointed to the full syringe in the beautiful redhead's hand.

"Tony became agitated and began asking for you. We were about to sedate him, but maybe you can calm him down."

Gibbs could hear Tony as he got closer to the room.

"Gibbs—Gibbs—I can't…"

Gibbs rushed in the room to find a fully restrained Tony.

_Dammit!_

"Get these damn restraints off of him!"

"But he—"

"I said get them off of him _now_!" his tone menacing.

Meredith complied quickly and started to give Tony the sedative.

Gibbs hand shot out and wrapped firmly around her wrist. "No."

Meredith was about to panic herself until she saw the look of anguish in Gibbs eyes.

He let go of her wrist.

"Just let me try first."

She acquiesced and backed away.

Tony continued to writhe lopsidedly in the bed with his eyes closed, calling for Gibbs.

"Tony, stop."

Tony didn't respond.

This time barked, "DiNozzo! Be still!"

Tony stilled immediately and opened his good eye.

"Bosh?"

"Yeah, DiNozzo."

"Mm head hertsh."

"I bet."

Gibbs walked up and sat down in the chair facing Tony's good side.

Tony just looked at him with curiosity.

"Why you here?" 

"Because."

_Because? Seriously?_

Gibbs turned to a slightly amused Meredith. "I think we're okay."

She smiled and said, "Okay, but if you boys need anything just call."

The flirtatiousness in her tone hit like anvils and Tony gave her an appreciative one eyed leer as she swung her hips out the door.

"One hotsh red head Bosh."

This statement only served to piss Gibbs off.

"Dammit DiNozzo you just had a stroke and all you can think about is sex?"

Puzzled by this heated reaction Tony just squinted his one good eye at Gibbs.

Gibbs got up and began to pace. "Look DiNozzo we have to talk."

Tony's expression changed to fear. Gibbs caught it out of the corner of his eye. "Dammit Tony, this isn't about the job. I told you we'd get you through this and as long as I have a team you have a job."

Tony was visibly relieved.

"S-so whatsh the…isshue?"

"Well for one thing you are going to have more surgery tomorrow!"

"Yesh, sho?"

"So?" Gibbs really didn't have answer to that.

Gibbs sat back down in exasperation this wasn't going well at all.

He decided to just breathe for a moment to calm his nerves. It must have been longer than he thought because Tony said impatiently, "Bosh?"

_It's now or never Leroy… Never doesn't sound so bad… Grow some Marine!_

"Tony, I need to talk with you about something _personal."_

Tony waited.

"I think, well, I know that—"Gibbs ran his fingers through his hair.

Gibbs sat back down and decided to take another approach.

"Tony, we've known each other a long time, and we're friends, good friends. And well now this is happening to you and I just wanted you to know—How much you mean to me and that I'll be there for you every step of the way."

He said the last part in a rush, but he felt such relief he didn't pick up on Tony's confused reaction right away.

"How mutsh?"

"How much what?" Gibbs was back to being deliberately evasive.

"How mutsh do I m-meeean to you, Bosh?"

_Well crap… I thought he would just get it. That I wouldn't have to humiliate myself by explaining… Shit_

Gibbs looked at Tony, one side of his face scrunched up in an inquisitive squint the other smooth and slack, and it suddenly didn't matter how afraid Gibbs was to tell Tony how he felt. Seeing this—really_ seeing _how broken Tony's body was, made Gibbs terrified to leave things unsaid.

Gibbs stood again and walked closer to the bed to lean against the bedrail. He kept his eyes on Tony's face as he reached down and pulled Tony's hand into his. Tony's good eye grew wide with a mix of fear and something else.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you. I love you Tony, not as just a friend, not as son or little brother, but as a man. I am _in _love with you. I just needed you to know how I feel before your surgery."

Gibbs gave Tony's hand a squeeze and let go and started to leave the bedside. But Tony held on, his grip was surprisingly strong.

"Now, you t-tell me thish… _now_?" Tony's eye was tearing up; the left side of his mouth a grim line.

"Yeah, figured I had to." Gibbs replied softly.

The mood had changed. The left side of Tony's face conveyed what looked a lot like rage.

"G-get o-out y-you b-bastard." Tony threw Gibbs' hand back at him and closed his eye.

Gibbs was stunned. For some reason this wasn't the reaction he was expecting. He was glued to the spot by his shock. Tony opened his eye again to see him still there.

"G-get O-out!" Tony yelled.

He was moved by the sheer vehemence and loudness of Tony's words.

"Okay." Gibbs choked out in a monotone, turned on his heel, and left.__


	13. Chapter 13

Gibbs walked past Ducky and Abby without a word. Abby called after him and began to follow. Ducky reached for her arm and held her there.

"Abigail, I believe it best to give Jethro some space for now."

"But Ducky he's upset, he needs us."

"Yes he is, but what he needs is some time alone."

Abby sighed and slumped down into a waiting room chair.

"Okay Duckman, if that's what you think."

"It is, and thank you my dear for being so understanding."

"What about Tony?"

"Perhaps it's better if we let Anthony a few moments to himself as well."

Abby sighed, "Okay Duckman, but just for a little while."

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Tony could feel the anger and hurt streaking down his face in hot tears.

_Fuck you Gibbs, for nearly ten years I follow you like a damn puppy practically begging you to notice me and you never even gave me a sideways glance. I was okay with that, I figured you were too straight. But now? Now, when I'll either die or be some kind of invalid. Now is when you decide to declare your love for me! Bastard! All that wasted time… _

Tony grew angrier the more he thought about it, his head began screaming in protest as his blood pressure shot up. The alarms began going off as Ducky walked into the room.

The older man patted Tony on the arm.

"Anthony, I understand you are upset but you must calm done my boy."

Tony grit his teeth and attempted to calm his seething anger. The monitors began to calm after a few moments.

"Did you know?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I did."

Tony clenched his teeth. "Did you know about me?"

"Of course my dear boy, it is plain to anyone with eyes how much you love Jethro."

Tony laughed. "Well then Gibbs is blind as a bat."

"Yes, well Jethro can be obstinately unobservant when it suits him."

"Ducky is this for real? I mean, is it just because of this."

Tony waved his hand toward his bandaged head.

"Yes, it's for real. But "this" as you put it most certainly led him to act in a more timely fashion."

Tony snorted. "Timely? The bastard's had nearly ten years. No, screw him. I won't take his pity."

"Anthony, this has nothing to do with pity and everything to do with the fact that Jethro is scared to lose you."

"Well, too fucking bad. That's not good enough and I want him here so I can tell him to his smug face!"

The anger was back in full force.

"Anthony, you really must try to stay calm, your blood pressure needs to stay in the normal range. And don't forget your surgery is in the morning so please take it easy."

"No." Tony said firmly.

"What do you mean no?" Ducky was becoming a bit angry as well.

"I mean no. No I won't calm down and no I won't have the surgery until Leroy Jethro Gibbs second b for bastard gets his ass here and explains to me why I should."

"Oh for…The two of you deserve one another!" Ducky threw his hands up and walked out of Tony's room. He passed a confused Abby in the hall.

Abby walked into to see Tony fuming.

"Don't start Abby."

"Don't start what?"

It occurred to Tony that Abby probably didn't know about Gibbs' declaration.

"Never mind. Can you just sit with me?"

Abby smiled and came and sat on Tony's bed and held his good hand in hers. 

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Gibbs stared into the oily darkness of his coffee his mind a blank. He was alone in the bullpen with only the glow of his monitor to illuminate a small diffuse circle of light. He was tired, down to his bones. He felt the weight of each of his 52 years pressing down on him like the dark.

"_How does Ducky do it?" _he wondered silently.

The fact was that he was tired, mentally… physically. He was every kind of tired a man could be.

"Screw this."

He stood up and threw his cold coffee in the trash and flipped off the monitor. He headed for the elevator with purpose. Just as the elevator door opened the shrill electronic ring of his phone went off.

_Crap_

"Gibbs!" He growled into the phone.

Ducky's concerned voice came through the line.

"Jethro, you need to return to the hospital."

Gibbs felt his stomach drop somewhere around his feet.

"Why?"

"Anthony is quite distraught and keeps asking for you."

"I doubt that."

"Dammit Jethro the boy is agitated and will not calm down until you return. Not only is this causing a dangerous spike in his blood pressure he is also now refusing his surgery. So get your stubborn ass down here!" Ducky's tone was cold and menacing Gibbs knew better than to keep pushing the irate ME.

"On my way Duck." Gibbs said as he hung up.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: WARNING serious fluff ahead. You may require and immediate teeth brushing after reading this.

I do NOT own

Reviews beget chapters. Not blackmail it just lets me know people are still interested because sometimes I need the help staying motivated. Huge thanks to all who have reviewed and favorited and followed this story. I cannot express my gratitude.

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Gibbs rushed to the hospital only to realize when he arrived that he probably wasn't going to enjoy this confrontation with Tony. He couldn't blame Tony for the he reacted. Hell it was apparent that Tony had wanted him for a long time and Gibbs was just too damn stubborn and set in his ways to acknowledge his own feelings let alone Tony's.

_Hell DiNozzo I don't know what to say to you. Never thought we'd be here… Guess that's what I'll do… tell you the way it's going to be you never listen when someone gives you an out and I for damn sure am not giving you an out._

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Tony lay seething in as controlled a manner as possible, whilst Ducky paced nervously and rambled on about some friend of his in medical school.

"Anthony? Are you listening to me? I am trying to help dear boy."

"Hmmm? What? Oh, sorry Ducky I wasn't listening. I was too busy thinking of ways to punch Gibbs with my one good hand without killing myself."

Ducky nearly laughed but realized that was probably exactly what Tony had been doing.

"Well, seeing as there is no way for you to achieve that goal, I pray you will listen to some reason."

"Reason? I'll give you reason, I wasted ten years of my life pining away like an idiot for a man I thought was the bravest man ever, a man I could never have, only to find out that I could have been happy if said man weren't actually a big fat coward. And the only reason I even know this is because I am practically dying… _again!"_

Tony's heart rate was rising rapidly.

"Yes of course Anthony you have every reason to be angry but at this point what good will it do you? I submit, none at all."

What could Tony say to that? It would feel good to punch Gibbs or scream at him for making both their lives unnecessarily empty, but it wouldn't heal the Gibbs shaped wound in his heart. Only having Gibbs would, and as angry as Tony was he suddenly realized that he could have Gibbs, that they could be together. Did it really matter_ how _it happened? Sure it sucked it took something so epic to make Gibbs wise up, and sure there was a chance that it would end badly, but there would be a beginning… a now, and every hope there would be a future.

"Anth—"

Ducky had watched Tony's face and seen the emotions ebb and flow from anger to acceptance, when Gibbs strode in like he was taking Normandy beach, before the ME could respond.

Gibbs walked over to the bed and pulled the chair on Tony's good side as close as he could and sat down. He leaned in so that his face was inches from Tony's.

"First of all DiNozzo you _will _have that surgery tomorrow morning. Secondly, I understand why you're pissed… but get over it. Third, I don't tell people I love them like I'm asking them to pass the salt so you better be prepared for what that means. And fourth you talk too damn much…"

Before Tony could respond Gibbs leaned in and gave him a kiss, a sweet gentle kiss on the cheek, one full of promise and tenderness.

"Now, when you're better, and make no mistake you _will _be getting better we'll talk, and then _maybe_ I'll give you a real kiss."

Tony sat stunned his good hand just touching his cheek where Gibbs' lips had just been.

"Better not hear any more of this crap about you having hissy fits and cancelling surgeries. Got it?"

"Yes Boss…" Tony said absently.

Ducky watched the whole thing bewildered and not at all sure what exactly had happened, but knowing the process was somehow perfectly Gibbs and Tony.

"Thanks Duck, you can go home now. We'll see you in the morning before the surgery."

Ducky knew he'd been dismissed so he said his goodbyes and left still bemused by the way things had played out.

Gibbs pulled Tony's hand down from his face and held it in his. "Tony, I mean it, you _will _ get better because we haven't had our chance yet and dammit we deserve it…after all the crap we've been through… the things we have endured…I'd say the universe owes us one…or two."

Tony was reveling in the feel of Gibbs hand encompassing his, luxuriating in the heartfelt words that wafted over him like a sweet perfume. He was home, and he knew in his soul that Gibbs was right that he would make it through the surgery, that they would have their chance. The truth of it all brought a beautiful lopsided smile to his face and his and Gibbs eyes connected. Tony whispered, "Thank you…"

Gibbs had no words, he didn't need them. He raised Tony's hand to his lips and kissed it in a perfect reply.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Here's a fun one I hope.

Don't own

Tell me what you think and there will be virtual brownies.

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The surgery was scheduled for the next day and Gibbs spent the night sitting with Tony and keeping him company. They were in a cocoon of comfortable silence punctuated by interruptions from the nurses and staff doing vital checks and turning Tony so he wouldn't develop bedsores.

Gibbs was happier than he'd been in years but also terrified. Tomorrow's surgery was dangerous and even if Tony survived he may have a permanent disability.

"I can hear you worrying all the way over here."

The silence was broken.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Sorry? Did you just say _sorry_?"

"More like _too_ bad."

"That's _more_ like it."

Gibbs snorted.

"How the hell are we going to have a relationship if you freak out anytime I'm nice to you?"

"That depends…Are we in a relationship?"

"Well, duh DiNozzo."

"Okay then I won't freak out anymore."

"Yeah right."

"Come here and I'll show you just how _not _freaked out I am." Tony waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Gibbs eyes darkened with lust and he let out something between a growl and a purr.

"Oh yeah…" Tony urged.

Gibbs took a breath and shook himself. "Cut it out DiNozzo, I told you we would talk after the surgery."

Tony pouted a moment and then he became angry.

"So we're waiting to see if I'll still be worth having a relationship with?" Tony's voice was cold and flat.

_Uh oh he's pissed…_

"Dammit DiNozzo that is not what I mean at all, I just want you to stay calm and focus on getting better."

"Yeah well pretty hard to stay calm when you finally have everything you want and then have to have brain surgery. I need you Gi—Jethro. I need you to hold me and let me believe there will _be_ an us, that there will _be_ a tomorrow."

Gibbs put his coffee down and walked to the side of the bed that Tony was facing. He squatted down so Tony could see him, Gibbs knees creaked ominously.

"Look at me Tony. If I could I would kiss every inch of you and make love to you for hours just to prove how much I want you. But I can't, we can't. Your health aside there's just too much to talk about, too many things to understand about one another, a lot of confusion to clear up. I do love you Tony but what we do with that, what our relationship looks like, depends on that talk. And there is no way we're having that talk until after you have recovered from this surgery."

Tony was stunned there was so much heartfelt logic, so many _words_ that he couldn't take it all in at first. He looked at Gibbs with his one good eye and said a quiet, "Okay."

Gibbs didn't know what it was he was expecting but this acquiescence wasn't it. But all the same he was glad Tony heard him and seemed to get it.

Gibbs knees creaked as he moved to return to his chair. Tony stopped him.

"Wait, please."

Gibbs paused.

"Will you just kiss me? On the lips? Just once? I need to feel that before…Well just before."

Gibbs was hesitant he wasn't sure it was a good idea, he wasn't sure he could hold back the tide of emotion that threatened to pour out into a kiss of Tony's gorgeous mouth.

"_Please _Jethro…" Tony sounded so lost it broke Gibbs resolve and he leaned in to kiss him.

When Gibbs lips met Tony's he didn't hold back, he couldn't; the charge he felt was like a jolt of lightning and he kissed Tony senseless. They kissed and kissed and kissed until they were interrupted by a small "Ahem…"

_Meredith…_

"While that is VERY hot, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Tony's blood pressure began spiking which is why I am in here. Now Jethro back to your chair or I will have to separate you boys." Meredith tried to sound stern but the furious blush on Gibbs face nearly had her giggling.

Gibbs went back to his chair and Tony sighed in a mixture of annoyance and bliss.

"You are seriously cramping my style Mer." Tony whined.

"Sorry Tony but it's time to turn you anyway, if he promises to behave Jethro may help."

"But I don't want him to behave! Now he'll never kiss me again until I get some sort of signed permission from the doctor…"

"That good hunh?" Meredith teased.

"Oh yeah…" Tony said giving Gibbs a sideways leer.

Gibbs endeavored to ignore the banter and pretended to read his paper, but all he could do was think about how good it had felt to kiss Tony. It was making things hard in an embarrassing way. Thank God he had the newspaper or he really would be in trouble.

"Well Jethro are you going to just sit there or are you going to help me turn this lug?"

Gibbs had a hard on and he couldn't hide it if he was turning Tony but he didn't want to leave the turning to Meredith either.

So he said the only thing he could. "Gotta hit the head first be right back."

The bathroom was across the room so Gibbs could walk with most of his problem obscured, but the way Tony was laying he could see the beautiful bulge in Gibbs' jeans and he smirked with pleasure.

_I did that…_


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Short chapter but I had nothing after this, it just seemed to stand alone.

Not Mine

Reviews are nice, thank you to all who have reviewed and followed.

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Tony's surgery was a difficult one as it involved the repair of both problems. The AVM repair and the Chiari malformation repair. There were many risks involved not the least of which was death. So Gibbs had decided that he would hope for the best but prepare for the worst. The only problem with this was that it was making him a miserable bastard while he waited for the surgery to be finished. He paced like he was doing it for the Olympics. It was starting to drive everyone crazy.

"Jethro, will you please sit down!" Ducky commanded.

Gibbs stopped for a minute looked at his friend turned on his heel and walked out calling "Coffee" as he went.

He headed back down to the smoking area secretly hoping to run into Kyle there. The kid had gotten to him and now he was on Gibbs radar. Kyle had unwittingly gotten himself an ally in Leroy Jethro Gibbs whether he wanted one or not.

Gibbs walked out onto the patio past the now dented garbage can and sat on the nearest stone bench and buried his face in his hands.

_God I am so tired, this whole thing is making me crazy._

"Wrong spot for the praying thing du—Gibbs." Kyle said.

"I wasn't… I'm just tired."

"Were you looking for me?"

"Yeah actually I was. How are ya kid?"

"Today isn't too bad. My Dad came to see me this morning before work so that was cool. Not puking so that's good and the pain's not too bad, all in all a good day."

Gibbs marveled at Kyle's optimism.

"How's your friend?"

"He's having major surgery on his brain right now."

"Didn't he already have that?"

"Yeah this is a different and harder operation. They're trying to repair two things that are wrong at once."

"I'm sorry Gibbs that sucks."

"Yeah it really does."

Kyle shook two black clove cigarettes out of the pack grabbed one for himself and handed the other to Gibbs.

"Thanks."

"I know it's not much but it helps my nerves when I smoke."

"Yeah it always did for me too. I quit for twelve years, but right now…"

"Tell me about it, I have cancer and I don't think I could deal with this if I had to quit smoking now."

"What does your mom say?"

"Not much, she's dead."

Awkward silence ensued.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's okay it was a long time ago."

"No, it's not. She will always be your Mom and I'm sure you miss her a lot."

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"So it's just you and your Dad?"

"Yeah, he's pretty cool. He just works all the time."

"What's he do?"

"He's a cop, a detective actually."

"Oh."

"Yeah, you remind me of him."

"I do hunh?"

"Yeah you do."

They sat and smoked in silence for the next five minutes. It was a calm quiet each lost in their thoughts. Gibbs finally spoke.

"Guess I better head back. Good to see ya kid, thanks for the smoke." Gibbs put out the clove in the kitty litter filled planter and stood to leave.

"No worries. Hope your friend is okay." Kyle looked at him sincerely.

"Thanks." Gibbs stopped as if he'd forgotten something and turned to face Kyle. He placed his hand on Kyle's shoulder, looked him straight in the eye and said, "You hang in there Kyle, things will get better, and _you_ _will_ get better."

Kyle teared up, in a mixture of hurt and anger. "You don't know that."

Gibbs' gaze never wavered; he squeezed the boys shoulder and said,

"Yes I do."

With that declaration Gibbs turned on his heel and walked away leaving a stunned Kyle in his wake.

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	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Another short chapter, big stuff coming.

Not mine

Thanks for reviewing and following

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Gibbs returned to the nearly empty waiting room the smell of cloves clinging to him like the somber mood he was in. Kyle was so young and he was facing the fact that he was mortal and having to do it mostly alone. And Tony, Tony would have to learn to deal with whatever this operation did to his body, he might even have to live with never being an agent again. It was too much, all of it. Gibbs for once didn't think he could be strong for everyone. He sat down next to Ducky and fought the urge to sigh in frustration.

"Are you alright my friend?"

"Not sure Duck."

"There's this kid, name's Kyle, he's a pistol." Gibbs smiled and then frowned. "He's got cancer, and then there's Tony… I just don't know how to handle this—stuff."

"Ah Jethro, no one does. We just do the best we can and try to be supportive to the ones going through the illness."

"Yeah, I know."

"I'm sure you do, however you are dealing with the fact you care for Anthony in the midst of this chaos. It cannot be easy, even for you."

Gibbs gripped the arms of the chair his knuckles white. "Yeah, well for all I know he may not even recognize me."

Ducky turned to look Gibbs in the eye. "That is not possible; the connection you and Anthony share is far too strong."

"Ya think?"

"I most certainly do."

Gibbs looked away and felt himself relax a little.

"Okay."

"Good, now here come the children do try to perk up a bit."

They shared a laugh. It felt good to have a bit of his burden lightened.

Abby came tromping up with coffee in one hand and her Caf-pow in the other, "Gibbs, I got you coffee." She handed him the still steaming cup.

"Thanks Abs."

"Hey Boss." McGee came walking up behind Abby Ziva by his side.

"Hello Gibbs." Ziva said.

"Any cases right now?" Gibbs demanded.

"No, we're on stand down until after Tony's operation."

"Good."

The three younger people sat down and began talking quietly Gibbs sipped his coffee and soon the calm and quiet worked to lull him to sleep.

He didn't know how long he slept but it was a good nap. He was woken up at the sound of the OR suite's doors opening.

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came into the waiting room looking like he'd just ran a marathon. Before anyone could begin asking questions he held his hand up in the universal gesture for wait and collapsed into a nearby chair.

"Before I go into details I have to tell you this was a very difficult surgery for all of us but Tony hung in there like a champ through some very hairy moments. That AVM was a monster."

Gibbs smiled at the doctor's praise of Tony's fighting spirit.

"Now here's what the situation is, I was able to make the repairs necessary for the Chiari malformation and fix the AVM but the fact is Tony will have a long road ahead of him in terms of rehab and he may find at the end of that road it's likely he won't be the same."

"What do you mean 'won't be the same'?" Abby asked.

"I mean he may have permanent physical and/or mental impairment."

Gibbs' stomach roiled at that statement.

_He won't be the same?_

Ziva broke the sickening silence. "I do not mean to be rude but you do not know our Tony."

The group nodded their agreement.

"It's good that you all have such faith in him, but don't overlook the fact that he has had a significant bleed, and surgery to correct two major brain anomalies. These things add up to definite neurological impairment. Now whether any effects are permanent is yet to be seen. But make no mistake he will be impaired."

"Okay, so what's next?" Gibbs asked tersely.

"He'll come out of recovery and then when he is fully awake I will do a neuro check."

"What will that tell us?" McGee asked.

"It will give us an idea where we stand in terms of his prognosis."

"Thanks for being straight with us Doc."

"If I were in your shoes I'd want the whole truth and not some glossed over version of it." Gibbs nodded in agreement.

"Well if you'll excuse me, I am headed to the oncall room for a bit. They'll page me if they need me." He rose from his seat like an old man and stumbled off to rest.

"I can't believe this." McGee said and walked away.

"McGee, wait!" Ziva called and ran after him.

Abby stood up her lip quivering and tears pooling in her emerald eyes.

"I have to go; the sisters are expecting me to call."

Ducky watched them go before standing up himself.

"I am sorry Jethro but Mr. Palmer has a guest that needs my attention."

Gibbs rose to his feet and began walking with Ducky towards the elevator.

"That's okay Duck. Thanks for being here."

"We all love Anthony, Jethro." Ducky reminded him.

"Well thanks all the same."

"Very well… Do try to get some rest and a decent meal. I shall return in the morning."

Gibbs nodded and watched as the elevator closed.


End file.
